Blue, yes I meant to imply this but I see I didn't. I don't even feel the anger anymore. I don't have many feelings about my past. The players are all dead. I am left with the effects, the scars, the ingrained and internalized that make me who I am, but not who I want to be. I don't doubt that the disconnection was survival, but it isn't helping me now and in fact is most often a wall of resistance that I chip away at.

I think being a mom complicates things too. I was not the mom I wanted to be and I don't let myself off the hook for that. How do I come to terms with one mom (mine) if I insist on hanging on to guilt about another (me). I just think it complicates things.