(((((Echoes))))) I have the same situation where the players are all dead and I am left with the scars and the internalized remains of them. I have a lot of feelings though. It seems that anger is the only one I can get to. And I have a feeling it is easier that they are dead- it might be that much harder if I was young and living at the scene of the crime or had to frequently deal with them. Its that disconnect that I feel in myself now that I want not to have. I want to be connected to what I feel in the moment and where it comes from if it is an ancient feeling or a "now" experience, if that makes any sense. There are times when a response to something feels like its a trigger of an old experience and when it feels like it is an in the moment kind of thing.

It does, doesnt it! OMG! I dont think you need to be on a hook at all, my dear Echoes. You have responses to your kids that you were "trained" to have. There is no fault here, just a natural consequence of how you were treated. And Im sure your kids are reslilient. Im sure there are HUGE differences between the way you were treated and what you did with your children. I also struggle with guilt for behvior that I didnt "give" to myself. I inherited it.
I think there are huge differences with the way I am with my children and the way my parents were with me. But, that said, I am still a product of the environment and there are things I have to fight against. Not to rage, not to invalidate, not to be dismissive, even in small, subtle ways. My mother didnt like children, she even siad so, and I LOVE children, especially babies. I see so much possiblity there. I have even had to be reminded that I am not my mother. A strange thing b/c I am very different than her. Though maybe not as different from my dad as I would like to believe.