One of my biggest problems is caring TOO much about what others think of me. Even if I don't like someone I don't want them to think bad of me. I'm guessing that this is quite common whether you have BPD or not. I keep thinking that if I could get over this hurdle things would be alot easier, I'm just not sure how to "get over it" So I just constantly remind myself that what I think about me matters more, I'm also trying to remind myself thatI can't "mind read" lol. I often decide what other people think about what I say or do without even asking them. Quite a few things are happening in therapy for me ATM. I posted about them in the psychotherapy forum. I'll copy and paste the two posts here.

"I'm trying to find a balance between being too dependant on therapy and therapists and cutting all of it off completely. Its really difficult to get into the grey areas with this. At the beginning of the week, I wanted to leave and not go back because I was afraid I was becoming to dependant, by the end of the week I've let myself be dependant, and I find it hard to know if it was too far. In fact I'm finding it really hard to trust my instincts right now. our therapy group is changing in the next few months, funding being one of the factors for the change. There will be three people leaving, staff leaving. A whole new set up to our "group" its all quite overwhelming. I know that its going to be a learning experience and I think it'll be really important for me, especially since I want to cope with endings differently. But right now, in this moment, I'm feeling sad, upset, angry, scared.....

I don't post here often because I'm very worried about who could read this. But Its a friday, I don't have Therapy till Monday and there isn't anywhere else to get this out tonight."

AND......

k so yesterday I ended up telling one of my T's how I had thought I was in love with her about 2 months ago, (this was all done in a group with other staff and patients) I said that I had done alot of research about transference and I'd come to realise that I wasn't in love with her personally, I was in love with her the therapist. I also said that I didn't think I was "in love" with her the T anymore but that she is someone that I look up to. This all came out because I've seen her twice outside of therapy this week and it really scared me incase she thought I was stalking her. Now I know I'm not stalking her, and I'm pretty sure she knows that, but there's still a part of me that worries her or anyone else would think that. She was ok about it, everyone else in the group were ok about it, the only person who wasn't ok about what I had said was me? I was and still am so worried about what she thinks, what everyone else thinks and what I think.

Stupidly I called in today and spoke to her on the phone, she wouldn't say what she felt about it because she said she knows that I know what she feels about it. And she said something about me having a think about why I can't trust my gut instinct just now. I really really shouldn't have called, I've called in twice this week, and thats not good. I'm left feeling that she might be a bit angry with me, if she's not angry then she's probably frustrated, which I don't blame her for because I'm frustrated with me. Especially for calling on impulse like that, for being needy. I really want to be more sure of myself, and not have this desperate need for reassurance. I am so much more comfortable within myself than I have ever been, but I'm still not comfortable enough except the flaws I have and I'm still very critical of myself. Now I'm crying......I don't even want to be posting this here, just incase someone I know reads it, but its really difficult to explain to my friends. Ach why is my personality sooooo disordered!!!!!

Sorry this is so long.