Quote:
Originally Posted by farmergirl
I think you are over-reacting a bit. She probably, after having read it, wanted to peruse it a bit before your next session. She wasn't asking to keep your only copy. Did you ask her why she changed her mind? Did you express your concern about her change of mind?
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Whether I'm over-reacting "a bit" or not is not really the point. I have not done anything to anyone. I have written about my feelings. My feelings are valid. I go into T to have a safe space to share my experiences with someone I should be able to trust. Feeling that the safety and trust have been violated should not automatically make me someone who's feelings are invalid. I have been told my feelings are invalid for my whole life. I'm in T to try and reconnect with those feelings and feel safe feeling them and expressing them. If at the first time I have negative feelings they are an "over reaction" then how is T any different than anywhere else I've been?
Farmer- I didn't realize that I had actually asked if people thought I was over reacting until I went back and glanced at my original post. I didn't mean to bite your head off and am sorry if I caused you any distress.
Your right that she probably wanted to look through it between sessions, but there was a reason I made her read it while I was there. Having her read it between session (either the first time or another time) would have left me extremely anxious about her reaction and would have prolonged the anxiety I had about sharing it in the first place over the course of the next week. It didn't matter that it wasn't my only copy. I knew when I first made her promise that she would give it back that it wasn't my only copy. That hadn't changed. I did not ask her why she changed her mind. I just said that I was worried about it somehow getting out and that so I wanted to keep it. I told her I could bring it back another session. One of the things I continue to work on is recognizing how I am feeling. I knew I was uncomfortable at the time with her keeping it, but did not know how angry I was about it. I have a hard time recognizing how I am feeling. It used to take me weeks to realize that I had a negative emotional reaction to something. This was about two days. A vast improvement. Sometimes I can realize at the moment, but this was not one of those times. This was me thinking about doing journal writing (where the first thing came from) and realizing how angry I was about what had happened in session. It sucks, but it often takes me time to process my feelings. As a kid I was not allowed to express any negative emotions. So it takes longer to access them and they often feel overwhelming. Though I have always internalized my feelings so it is weird to feel anger projected out at someone else.
Quote:
Originally Posted by skeksi
Googley, I understand exactly why you are upset. I have shown T some things and he usually asks for a copy, which I refuse. As time has gone on, I've been able to ask him why he wants copies, and to find out the security of these things (i.e., that he will not show anyone, ever) and I have become comfortable enough to, occasionally, let him keep a copy. But it has taken ages to get to this point of trust.
It sounds like you felt her bringing up the insurance thing was an effort to persuade you to give her a copy of the writing. Maybe that was her intent; or maybe she was trying to reassure you that it would be safe from prying eyes--but that's still a nudge in the direction of letting her have a copy of it. Those of us with trauma histories can be especially well-attuned to any kind of pushing. She may not have realized how her comment was going to be perceived. She needs to hear how you experienced that moment.
I suggest you talk about this next time. You don't have to take the writing, especially if not taking it will help you feel more in control. But this is an important thing to talk about. Figuring out when you feel safe enough to share something like that writing is part of the hard work of therapy for trauma.
For me, when I feel angry at T, it helps a lot to write through it and do some processing of my feelings before I see him. It helps first because then I can put it aside to get on with the rest of my boring non-T week, lol, but also so I know clearly what I want to communicate next session.
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I've given people information about myself only to have it used against me later. I would feel more comfortable having all my information in my possession. I know I'm going to have to talk with her about this next time. Otherwise I don't think we would really be able to get anything else done. I'm sure I will get to journaling about this before I see her again. We've worked through ruptures before, and I'm sure we will again. It just sucks to be in the middle of it.