Ugh, (((((((((((((googley)))))))))))))))))))

I bet you felt SO on guard, bringing in something so personal and letting her read it, that when she tried to take it a step farther...keeping it between sessions...it just pushed you over the edge. It makes SO MUCH SENSE to me.

When I am in that really vulnerable place...when I'm telling T about a trauma for the first time, for example...I am so SO hyper-aware of T's every move. His every facial expression, every word he says, his body language. I can't even help it...maybe it's part of the PTSD. I am just so prepared to be hurt or rejected or ridiculed or abandoned in that moment. T and I have definitely had ruptures because of my hyper-vigilance in those moments....but T never sees those ruptures as my "fault".

I actually just read in a book yesterday that when we have been through trauma, there is a third person in the therapy room that affects the transference and countertransference...that person is the abuser. It made so much sense to me...so much of our reactions are reactions to that abuser who isn't there physically but who is still with us in so many ways.

I think the positive thing is that she DID give it back to you. I like skeski's idea of writing about your anger - write as much as you need to, use whatever words you want to. Just get it out. Your T seems really open to hearing how you feel about what happens in the room...I hope you will tell her exactly how you are feeling.

BIG safe hugs to you, googley