Christina still needs to learn how to take care of Christina. Session got a lot more complicated when I discussed ego states. As I figure there are three of "me" ... one who is childish and far too emotional, one who is far too angry and impossible to deal with, and then there is me - the one who is able to function and tries to act like an adult.

(Mostly I just slip into the other two states and am mostly mature... sometimes...)

****************TRIGGER WARNING****************************

****************TRIGGER WARNING*****************************



****************TRIGGER WARNING***************************

****************TRIGGER WARNING****************************


ANYWAY,

So. Session.

Get in, and we discuss meds. He then says, "as I recall, you wanted to share a "story" with me this week". And I'm like "uhuh". And then proceed to tell him how I pressured myself emotionally into doing it and he then tells me that I *could* always say "Nope, we're going to talk about anything else this week except for that".

Have I said I like my psychiatrist?? I do.

I asked if he wanted the newspaper or "Coles Notes" version, because I'm better with that - since it's not so emotionally draining for me because I leave most of the emotions out of it. He tells me to do whatever way is most comfortable.

(I really do like my psychiatrist, seriously he's made of awesome. Not in the transference sort of way, but still made of awesome)

First he wants to know how old I was, and I still cannot give an age estimate for the life of me. Mostly because my memory is absolute CRAP and who knows what my mind has shut out for me. Like I can't remember most of anything before grade eight... but anywaaaaaaaay...

So he's trying to help me pin down an age. We've decided it's between 13-17. Which is a HUGE *** time frame, but meh.

Then he says "Can I ask you some simple questions?" and I'm beginning to emotionally distance myself from just about everything because I KNOW what's going to happen next... so I say "ahuh" which is my version of "sure" when I start to lose my 'voice'...

So he asks where it was. What season it was. What time it was. (He already knew who it was, so he didn't ask me that thankfully).

Where it was I could answer. Season it was I couldn't. Time it was I answered "late".

And then I told him the story.

It was good. I tuned him out as he was trying in vain to get me to realize that it wasn't my fault, that it could never be my fault, and telling me that if it was ANYONE else in my position that I'd KNOW it wasn't THEIR fault, so how can it be my fault?

(I only remember this because he had to tell me twice )

Seriously though, I don't know if he knows how much of an emotional war this is on the issue of "fault" and "blame". Rationally I'm one way, emotionally I'm definitely NOT in line with rational thought!

I made darn sure to not use words that would upset me, and then he uses them anyway to make sure he "heard" what I was saying. (Sighs. Anatomy words is not something I want to get into).

And I'm a bloody space cadet, knowing that I'm going out of it I bring out my "secret weapon". From the discussion here with people, I brought along a friend of mine - his name is Buster, and he's a stuffed toy, a beagle (dog). Buster was a former pet/family member, and was put down years ago. And I love beagles as a result and own a half a dozen beagle plushies. ANYWAY, yeah I brought him out. And he didn't seem to know why so I had to 'splain that to him.

And then he asks me how I felt during the incident ... and I couldn't tell him because I couldn't even tell you how I was feeling recounting it to him... Trying very hard to not go crazy/space cadety.

And then somehow I start rambling and this is the part I was definitely out of it because I can't remember much at all (figures, I'm mostly there during the telling of everything and then "check out" emotionally after!)

... somehow I'm saying how I need to cut it out (the bad stuff) and how I need to breathe and get centred and how I cant breathe and...

He keeps asking me if he can speak to the rational 23 year old, which of course was NOT happening since I was stuck being a kid...

Then he does something that wasn't smart. Back in December before he 'threatened' to admit me into hospital for my own wellbeing, I gave him a sharp and pointy object that I had in my posession. Not sure why I had it, let alone why I gave it to him... but he had promised to dispose of it.

Guess what. He DIDNT. He kept it in his bloody desk drawer and brought it out.

And then the addictive side of me comes out and I get into an argument over ownership of it and how I wanted it back. And he's being calm and rational and saying "no" in so many words...

And I continue to argue with him anyway.

And then I shut down and pout.

Have a bit of bit of a cry and then he says that it was almost time for me to leave...

As I recall, I accused him of trying to get rid of me, freaked out some more, and just generally wasn't acting in any normal fashion that would make it a good idea to turf me out of my appt at that moment. Oh, and I told him that "sure, I'd leave" but I guess the expression on my face showed that if I did leave right now it would not be a healthy thing for me to do and would end badly (because right at that time, I swore up and down that my abstinence from certain addictions could take a hike because I needed to be grounded RIGHT NOW).

So he gets creative and says we're "taking a walk" around the health services centre (he works at my university, our health services is where you go to see a doctor, shrinks, counsellors, etc). He figures that by doing this that I'll be able to be more grounded because his other suggestion to have me sit with a nurse was NOT going to happen. I told him I'd just leave -- I like the nurses there and know them, but I didn't want someone to hug me, or act all motherly to me at that time and I *knew* they'd do it.

So we go for a walk. And this "walk" around the centre and back to his office takes 15 minutes longer than the appt.

(Oops I now know why he's regularly late for appts with me, some of his clients probably need the extra time!)

Oh... and he's all like "do you have the number for my other office?"

To which he gets this expression in response

Apparently he has an office in his house. He said that he'd not see me at his house (accessibility issues was his excuse, or one of them?) but that he's got an office there and I could call him for any emergencies. And he refused to clarify "emergency", said to just call him if I needed to talk to him. I haven't used it yet, maybe I never will... I told him I'd likely NOT be calling him if I was going to do something "bad" because there was no way I'd want him to know about it... and he gave me a look like "Christina, we're not getting into this discussion. Just call me and take care of yourself otherwise if you need it".

And so ends Christina's epic psychiatrist appt.

And as of today (Saturday)...

I've had a breakdown, called a friend to chat, texted friends, did retail therapy (which I'll likely return - books - due to lack of $) and STILL don't feel that much more centered and fantastic.

On the upside, I don't think I need to be hospitalized and I don't think right now that I'm at risk of relapsing in any of my addictive behaviours, so I guess that's a positive.

He's seeing me again in two weeks to go through meds stuff. But I see him on Thursday for group and if I still feel disconnected by then I'll be sure to let him know. Maybe earlier if I really need to. But I really don't want to call him at home. That just seems... invasive?

Thank you all for your support and caring.