I know this is incredibly long winded and I'm tempted to not post it at all... but I guess I should or something. Argh, I don't know...

Recently (read as the past month or so) I've noticed that I have some odd ticks or whatever.

For example, All the things in my room have to stay in the same general position or order, and if it changes I have to put it back to the way it was so I can sleep at night- And I refuse to throw stuff out, even trash, and my dad gets really mad about it for obvious reasons, but I can't stop; When I try to clean it up I have to make it a mess again or I stress out about it. I have a hard time getting new things too, though for the most part I can somewhat control this, though sometimes I have to hide things like DVD's, CD's, and books out of site so I can't tell I have them or I feel nervous or out of whack.

I have to do the same thing every night when I go to bed or I feel like I won't be able to sleep- A routine which consists of me having a coughing fit at 9:50 which I usually stop at 9:52 and then at exactly 10 I go take my shower which involves flushing the toilet before starting the water, having a coughing fit while the water gets up to temperature, and then another coughing fit right after using conditioner in my hair- Which I always dispense with 5 squirts thrown away and then use it in my hair. After that I wipe off my eyebrows of the suds while looking in the mirror and have a drink of water- which requires me to fill/dump out the cup at least 4 times before it feels right (really it feels like I could do it forever and not have it feel right) and then drinking a little bit before dumping it out. Then I go to bed and it's about 10:06 or 10:07 and I turn out the light, check facebook one time and then get into bed and always turn off the TV at exactly 10:10 or I feel off. If I don't do all that I usually have trouble sleeping...

I can sorta deal with going off that schedule on weekends because I realize that I don't have anything to do the next day... But it's hard to deal with during the week- There's a bunch of other little things, like my thoughts about morbid things that I can't control, or my worrying that I'm a narcissist, or that I'm falling back into the ways that I fought to get out of (which for some reason some oddly appealing but I don't and it just makes me blah...) I just don't know... From what I've read it sounds like OCD, but I don't know. I can sorta see that it's not normal but I still do them, and if I force myself not to, I usually have trouble sleeping like I've said... It's getting annoying but what do people think? Is it OCD? I'm having trouble just posting this because I feel compelled to erase everything I've written but I'm going to force myself to post it I guess haha... I find it difficult to have a new interest because I easily become obsessed with it (like the normal kind though) but then I feel like I've changed and I have to go back to the way I was doing things before to feel 'right' again... Or I have to keep myself busy until it's time for bed so I don't have the time to worry which is why the night of my guitar lessons is always best for me because I have less time to worry about stuff.

I also constantly chew on the collars of my tee-shirts when I'm worried, and get anxious if I don't even though I know it's not normal, and when I'm sitting at my desk I have to sit the same way every time or I get anxious even though the way I sit isn't actually that comfortable.

I don't know if it's really OCD because reading about it and sorta hoping that I have it makes me calmer because then I don't think I'm crazy and also just writing helps some but I just don't know... I can't listen to some songs because they put me in a mood from the past that makes me worry that I'm falling back into the way I used to be and I know it shouldn't be that way but I just it's like I just don't know.