Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah
Could this transition be adult you vs. your inner child?
|
I have no idea. Sometimes i feel as though someone else is reacting on my behalf and i have no control over her. If it is my inner child then she is mightly strong!
Quote:
Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge
Abby you seem very well spoken on this - at least in print and I am like that too - we had such a HUGE "don't tell" rule at home that none of us kids could ever feel that we had the right to speak out, no matter how bad things got... and I am still like that today... I just get silent but the rage goes on inside... 
Don't let it eat you up... |
it seems that i am able to express my feelings in a way that people generally relate to, but for some reason that connection doesn't seem to be reciprocal as i don't seem to feel it. That is why i end up deciding not to speak a lot of the time because the gestures i receive back feel superficial and fake and therefore i'd much rather not have them because i just feel guilty, tired and angry at having to be fake back and pretend that what they said was helpful/provided relief etc...and that is too stressful/tiring (if that sentence made any sense whatsoever!). I identified with what you wrote, whenever i used to express myself noone heard or i was told that what i said was wrong/wasn't true. I don't know what to believe anymore.
I'm sorry for harping on in this post but i'm really struggling at the moment with the pain. I ended up sobbing last night after having some sort of bizarre stress attack, i feel as though my heart is tight and it really hurts. For all my words and apparent ability to use them well to convey my feelings I remain totally lost, alone and confused about how i am constantly turned away and told to continue living with all of this pain. Am I just being weak? Is this not important? Do i not matter?
It feels almost ridiculous in the light of day to sit in front of my therapist and tell her that i would like to die and i'm too exhausted to continue. That is how i feel, but imagine looking at a person that has spent their day at work appearing competent, who does not seem to be falling apart in any great way and having to believe that. Of course noone ever does. I'm never going to be someone who has lavish displays of emotions, my long-term difficulties with crying mean that i rarely ever am able to show the severity of my sadness so i really rely on people taking me at my word and hearing me when i tell them that i am exhausted. I literally do not know what else to say.
I feel like a liar.