I realized something this weekend...actually, just tonight.

I'm still reeling from Thursday's session. I don't know if I've ever had such BIG feelings, truly. So much terror and pain. The feelings were so big, it was like I didn't even have a body...it was like I disappeared into them. It was scary.

I don't EVER want to feel like that again. EVER. So, this weekend, I've kept really busy. I did something with a friend yesterday morning, and this morning I went to another friend's house and helped her with a big house project. I had band with some other friends this afternoon. I watched a movie and hung out with H and my boys. I knitted ALL day yesterday, so I wouldn't have any down time to think. Today, I helped my friend, went to band, grocery shopped, watched a show with the boys.

I still keep getting ambushed by stuff - I'll have a flash of all of the feelings - and it takes my breath away, makes me gag, makes my knees weak, my palms sweat, my heart pound. It's horrible. But i get through it and keep going.

I used to think of this as "running away". All of this busy-ness to not have to remember. Tonight, I decided to think of it as FIGHTING BACK. These creepy, disgusting things were done to me as a child...but I don't want to STILL be controlled by them all of these years later. It's like giving him some kind of permanent power over me. I don't want him to have that power. It's not FAIR. NOT FAIR. I don't WANT it to affect my life now.

So. Same behavior - staying busy - but when I think of it as fighting instead of running, I think I just feel more....powerful, I guess. I'm allowed to have power. I want to have power. I don't want him to have that power over me anymore.

The thing that sucks though, is that I don't have the power to not have nightmares, so he is still winning when I'm asleep.

This stuff is really, really, really hard.