Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse
I realized something this weekend...actually, just tonight.
I'm still reeling from Thursday's session. I don't know if I've ever had such BIG feelings, truly. So much terror and pain. The feelings were so big, it was like I didn't even have a body...it was like I disappeared into them. It was scary.
I don't EVER want to feel like that again. EVER. So, this weekend, I've kept really busy. I did something with a friend yesterday morning, and this morning I went to another friend's house and helped her with a big house project. I had band with some other friends this afternoon. I watched a movie and hung out with H and my boys. I knitted ALL day yesterday, so I wouldn't have any down time to think. Today, I helped my friend, went to band, grocery shopped, watched a show with the boys.
I still keep getting ambushed by stuff - I'll have a flash of all of the feelings - and it takes my breath away, makes me gag, makes my knees weak, my palms sweat, my heart pound. It's horrible. But i get through it and keep going.
I used to think of this as "running away". All of this busy-ness to not have to remember. Tonight, I decided to think of it as FIGHTING BACK. These creepy, disgusting things were done to me as a child...but I don't want to STILL be controlled by them all of these years later. It's like giving him some kind of permanent power over me. I don't want him to have that power. It's not FAIR. NOT FAIR. I don't WANT it to affect my life now.
So. Same behavior - staying busy - but when I think of it as fighting instead of running, I think I just feel more....powerful, I guess. I'm allowed to have power. I want to have power. I don't want him to have that power over me anymore.
The thing that sucks though, is that I don't have the power to not have nightmares, so he is still winning when I'm asleep.
This stuff is really, really, really hard.
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((((((((((((TREE)))))))))))))))
I have nightmares sometimes over somewhat traumatic things, but over time they lose their power over me. That's because I'm actively dealing with the problem. Now if you just sat there and let the nightmares take over your entire day, then they win. Reality is your kicking arse. It's okay to feel scared, sad, and otherwise emotional---humans are meant to feel things. Winning isn't not feeling anything, rather it's having some control over how your feelings affect you. We aren't meant to be stone, and some unconscious processes, such as dreams-- are largely out of our control. As long as they don't take over your day, you are in control of what it is possible to be in control of. Hopefully they will lessen as you deal with more of those emotionally scarring, traumatic events in the daytime (productively as in therapy).
Your right-- you are fighting back. It's hard, but it's not overwhelming you. You decide what to do and when to do it, instead of dwelling on the past so much that it takes over your present.
SAM