((((((((((((((((((googley)))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry about your grandfather.

To answer your question, there have been times when T has known that there has been a rupture...because I've left session obviously upset...and there have been times when I've had to tell him. T told me once that the last "snapshot" he has of me is the last time he saw me (or the last e-mail he got or whatever), so that's how he assumes I am, unless I tell him differently.

You can call T to tell her about your grandfather...and even process what is going on with her on the phone a bit...without mentioning that you are upset if you don't want to. When my mom had a possible recurrence of cancer, T and I were struggling with rupture....but when I got the news, and was upset, I still called T and he still responded with care and concern and helped me process what was going on. When it was time, we continued working through the rupture.

I think we are going to have conflict in the significant relationships in our lives...it's probably inevitable...but those conflicts don't change the relationship. My best friend and I can have an argument, but she is still my best friend, and if she needs me or I need her, we can set the thing we are arguing about aside, because the underlying relationship and care haven't changed. And when the crisis passes, we can return to working out whatever the conflict is, if we still need to.

So, if you need T to help you through this, it is okay. And you can still let her know later how you felt about her wanting to hang onto the letter.

Good luck, googley. I'm sorry you are going through this.