Today we talked about just being able to the comfort that is on offer. T said how I seem to only be able to be manage the intense sessions and find it hard to just be with her.

I said I dunno why, I said I have all these old ideas lodge in my mind hidden away and I dunno why I allow them to run my life.

I didnt think during the session that I was relaxing, but T had to say it was the end and usually I tell her when its the end and the rest of today I felt relaxed. I think its time now to begin to focus on my ablity to relax with T and let myself go, instead of constantly being on guard.

I did feel at first after session that I'd made a fool of myself, but when I looked at it, I realised that when I let myself go I judge myself to much, and its that feeling of thinking I've made a fool of myself that I need to that needs to be confronted,and to allow the unmonitored me to come to the forefront.

T mentioned how last fridays session I was about to go into one of my "In it" moments, but she said we managed to keep talking and you didnt let the feelings overwhelm you completely. I nodded yes immediately because that exact same realisation had been on my mind since that session. I know Thad kept saying where are you going, talk about it, whats happening, and I did, I think because I know exactly where one of those "in it" times lead too, and to change one has to do it differently and shutting myself down and refusing to keep talking is pointless.

I even rested my head on the back cusion of T's couch today with legs outstretched, this is where I want to go from now on, concentrate of allowing this locked away part of me to come out,this part that I critize to much, T even asked me if she should tell me something today, I said yeah if you want and she self disclosed about something, nothing traumatic just something to do with somethingn I'd said. Yeah I wanna concentrate on just being in the moment now.