most of the time when i commit to something i spend the time between saying yes and going trying to think of how to get out of it. it sucks. seems like i can't enjoy anything. i might plan something and be all excited about it when i do it then as it gets closer and closer my anxiety builds more and more till i'd be happier just to stay home. i'm sick of living this way. even coming to work every single day. sometimes when i get to work i sit in my car up to an hour before i get out. then i hurry to my office and sometimes will shut the door and sit here all day by myself. i even put off going to the bathroom until it's painful just to stay in my office with the door shut to feel secure. this is terrible. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like i wish i could quit my job so i wouldn't have to go through this. the other jobs i've had have not been this way. but there i felt like i fit in and was accepted. i've been here for over 2 years and still feel so all alone and this is the biggest place i've worked yet. that's probably why since this is bigger i am more anxious and awkward. i isolate myself as a way to cope. this is unhealthy but i don't know where to start. i am successful in breathing and etc to make it through the "panic" states but i want to be able to just live without having it to be such an ordeal. i have to do this every single day. i have got in trouble with my supervisor twice for missing too much work. i can not afford to get fired. if i could afford not to work i would not be here now. i self medicate as well to interact with others and that is usually when i commit to things then later i'm like what the hell was i thinking. i just can't do this anymore.
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for in the chaos of existence, madness is a legitimate path to enlightenment
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