I had a very productive session today. I am slowly realizing that it is possible that I have a secure type of attachment to Ftt. I dont think I would feel so comfortable talking to her if I didnt. When I compare how I edited with dt and was anxious about what I was going to talk about and her responses etc with the ease I talk to ftt, I feel secure. She does not bring up the cold mommy feelings for me.

I was able to tell her that I felt the last session was good, really good, but surfacey and I needed to go deeper. I read her parts of my post here about it. I told her I had not wanted to come in with an agenda and then I would just see what happened in session, but I ended up having a rather large teen issue with my daughter and we needed to spend a while on that. I am so comfortable with the way she handles my daughter issues. And how she really gets it. I followed everything she said (wrote some things down), did exactly as she suggested and it turned out BETTER than I could have expected with my d (my 15 yo). And I even go some good advice on the "babysitting for younger siblings" issue.

Then I moved on to the issues that I wanted to bring up last week. We were talking quite a bit about how it feels to work on my parents after they are dead and selfishness. That I often feel manipulated and mistrusting when my H tells me he loves me or people show caring. We talked about the way my mother would say something nice, but with herself in mind. I often felt like her I love yous were for her benefit. I learned not to trust. With my father, I didnt trust his hugs and they made me very uncomfortable. I could not remember some baby/toddler incidents, but I felt close to very, very young feelings. I did remember though my absolute TERROR and SCREAMING as a young child around men who reminded me of my father. I would shake and scream in terror if a man (I knew or didnt know but someone who reminded me of my father)came near me. Relatives and older family friends remember this.

We talked about some more personal things with my father and how it related to some of my behavior in my 20s. I had never thought of it this way, she said to me that often people with sexual abuse in their histories do the types of things I was doing. I sort of get it, but sort of not. She was asking me a lot of questions about my behavior (sorry for being so vague here, I just cant go into detail) and how I felt when I did this or did that and more specific things. I felt that I was "expressing myself" and that this isnt the kind of normal thing to do, but I didnt feel at that time embarrassment or shame. I wonder if I will get in touch with some of those feelings at some point. Not sure. She said I was probably acting out sexual abuse and found a (male) friend to act this out with. I sort of understand, sort of not. But it does make sense.

I never brought any of this up in my years in therapy as a therapy issues, but the closer I get to the deeper, core issues, the more of my feelings and behavior I see clearly as related to mistreatment in childhood and having been sexualized very young.

I still am not sure how to get past this. How to see myself as (I dont know what you would call it), a person who has more value than sex (but thats not quite right, I see myself as having more value than sex). Maybe more value than what somebody can take from me. I am not sure. Anybody with any insight here?

Oh...and the session was 80 minutes! WOW! I could never have gotten to all of this in a 50-60 minute session.

Thanks for feedback (hint..hint...)