I am having real trust issues with my family, as I explained in other posts about my father who recently verbally attacked my sister and mother. He hates me most of all and paranoia has creeped up into me, into a festering anger of wanting some bizarre restraining order against him if he were ever to show up. The reason is, is because I got involved and told my mom to divorce him and get the hell away from him. My sister that he attacked wants nothing to do with him until he gets help but he is a stubborn piece of work that has a psychotic obsession with Rush Limbaugh.

He has been going downhill steadily for the past few years and has beaten me up several times and my roommate too. I want to avoid my family for a long time as I am fed up with how my mom is reacting but my psychosis is rampant with paranoia. I see my nurse on Wednesday and want to ask her to increase my Geodon and anti-depressant as I am morbidly depressed and just festering in anger, if I didn't mention that a few times. I don't know how to get it to go away. My dad is an instigator of fighting and I know enough to avoid him but I feel frightened for my mother and have decided to take some drastic actions that might not all make sense.

He recently bought a car for my mother so she could give me her old one and they signed the title over to me but kept it out of my reach. I am going to the DMV and claiming I lost the title and need a new one so that is safely in my hands. Is this paranoid thinking?

I considered moving to Oregon for a long time yesterday, researching cities and towns that I have been to that have the best mental health care and affordable housing but my roommate is not inclined to moving and thinks we have it good here, so I had to just fester on that too, wanting to get the hell away from here.

Also I decided with the one sister that I like and that helps me out financially I am going to use some of the money to get the title, buy cigarettes and get my ears pierced as some sort of final act of defiance in case I ever run into my family again. I am beginning to mistrust them greatly and making them enemies in my mind out to emotionally damage me with their callous behavior.

We are moving though but it is in the summer and I am just not letting them know where I live. I don't want them to visit and I am hoping we can find a house with a yard.

My mind is racing and I am not coping well as my roommate was just hospitalized and is completely drowsy all day and all night and would be completely lost with his pills and recovery aspects if I had to be hospitalized which is why I think that my Geodon has to be increased and also the anti-depressant. The only thing I can do right now is take Risperdone tablets as I have permission to take them as needed, but this paranoia just overcame me so I thought I would see if there were other ways I could cope so that when I do see my nurse it is with some confidence and control.

Thanks

Grithnir.