Long story.. don't know really where to start. If you have read my other posts then you know that I thought one of my friends had intentions towards me.
He has been brilliant through out the break-up, been there for me every moment I needed him, kept me sane when I was breaking down, took me out when I was feeling blue. Gave me hugs when I needed them and spent all his time trying to make me smile.

A little while ago he told me he had feelings for me.. I guess I thought at the time that maybe I did too. We talked it out and really I thought it was sorted and that he accepted that there wouldn't me more beween us. Not to mention that I'm on anti-depressants and seeing my T all because of a break-up that lead to suicidal thoughts with one 'small' attempt.

We have kept the friendship going - went out to the movies with him for new years and have been spending a fair amount of time with him. I was worried I was giving mixed signals so tried really hard not to be more than just friends 'friendly'.

He had said that I shouldn't be with anyone until I was off the anti-depressants and not seeing my T anymore as it wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else. I totally agree with that.

One night when I walked him out there was a bit of playing around - I accidentally touched his bum when hugging goodbye.. in the end I said something I like "I have a better arse - see?" and I turned around for him to grab it... I just wasn't thinking at the time. Stupid me once again. I was just being playful and flirty I guess. I was feeling good about myself - selfesteem had come back in a small way.

Tonight is my worst nightmare come true. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me and that I should give it a chance. Many many text messages later and I'm crying, hurt, frustrated and I feel guilty. I just don't feel the 'spark'. He says it will grow - I don't think it will. I have been in one rebound realationship before and it was not good.. it lasted a year or so and he loved me greatly and ended up terribly hurt. I never fell for him and it broke his heart.

Thats exactly what I think would happen here if let it. I'd be unsatisfied and he would end up hating me, hurt and heart broken.

The other thing he is arguing is that I didn't love Mark at the start either - it was a fling to me - but the key to that was there was butterflies, passion and the feeling of excitment when I thought of him (all lustful thoughs).... the love grew after Mark sais that he had feeling for me than went beyond just a fling.. I opened my heart again (shouldn't have!!).

I think that I've lost his friendship and it's horrible. All the thoughts that go through my head are a mess right now. Did I lead him on? Did I manipulate the situation because I was needy? How can I fix this? Why can't I just make everyone happy?

I'm not fully over Mark - true I don't really talk about it with this friend - because I only talk about it here and with my T.

One thing this has made me realise is that Mark couldn't give us a second chance because he didn't have the inlove feeling 100% anymore, lucky to have it 20%.
I don't have the 'inlove' or 'lust' feeling for my friend and now I've ripped his heart out and stomped on it.

I was finally climbing out of the hole that I was in - I was 75% of the way up the side when all of this happened. Now I'm a horrible person, not worth anything and I deserve everything that has happened to me and more. I'm back where I started.

My signature is all false now.

Please help!