The little self esteem I use to have to take from me on a daily basis at the past of my last employment. Not only did the company want to make sure I had no self esteem, there are those who I worked with who loved to feed on people like me. They picked and picked at me until I try to end my life by takeing about 3 bottles of medication. I came close to - but survived and never stepped foot in that place of business again. In fack I'm now afraid to leave my home, speak to people or even have them look at me. I suffer from BiPolar, Sever Manic Depression, and agoraphobia (fear to leave my home). I still have nightmares about the two women who picked at me and of the Manager who took my self esteem away. I fear even talking to or seeing anyone from that company. I don't answer the phone when people call - I only answer the phone if its my husband or one of my sons. I never answer the door - I don't want anyone to see me and I'm afraid to talk to anyone - I don't know what to say to them, I'm afraid they will judge me and laugh at me.... I've let my illnesses ruin my life.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist but he only allows me a 15 minute vist and we never talk about my issues. He just monitors my mediations. They were helping but the winter has been really cold and seems so long already because of all the snow we have gotten this year. And no sunshine!! Where oh where did the sun go?!! I need someone to talk to like a therapist but I can't afford one and then there is the problem of having to leave the house to go see one. Someone has to drive me to my psychiatrists because I have sever panic attacks just driving and I'm afraid of causing an accident on the interstate. Just having some one I could call and talk to - a therapist - would help so much and be much easier for me than having to look them in the face and talk.... I'm a mess.

I'm not alone all day - I have two wonderful little puppies who keep me company - Crickett (3yr Minin Dachshund) and Zach (2yr Multipoo - half Maltese and half poodle). They are puppy pad trained and go outside on the big deck for lots of exercise. They are tiny and love to snuggle and love to play. They are my babies - my two sons are grown and out on their own. They are wonderful guys and have found wonderful women to share their lives with. And my husband is heaven sent - such a wonderful and caring man. I am truly blessed when it comes to my family. I just wish I could live a normal life - I want that so much... but it seems so far out of my reach. Today I don't feel depressed - but yesterday I was so depressed I wanted to just die! But I won't try to end my life - I'm too afaid of God to do that. That is the only reason I'm still here. I have more bad days than good days... I just need someone to talk to... I do get lonely for company some days but just to talk to someone and let all my pain and panic out. It's hard to explain.. I just feel like a burden to my family - they deserve someone better than me, someone not broken!!

I'm broken and don't know if I can be fixed.... I just want to be normal.