I know your going to think I am really crazy but I am seriously thinking of changing my first and last name. I have been thinking about changing the first name for a long time. I need to get rid of M***** because the kids are grown and I refuse to take the T***** name. There isn't one person who knows me by T***** that even gives a crap about me except for you. I am so hurt and angry about what Mother did I want to disconnect from her forever. I don't want to be her child anymore. A caring mother would never go out of their way to destroy their child and try to get them to hurt themself. She and L**** want me dead. I will talk to my pastor and my therapists before I do it. Since I have no family left what would it matter anyway? I messaged cousin Lisa on FB a couple of weeks ago asking her to please not judge me based on my mother's opinion. It wasn't a hate letter. I was just telling her about me, the real me that that Mother doesn't know or want to know. I gave it about a week and she never responded. I was so afraid to go on FB I thought she had unfriended me. I am sure Mother has told her to make sure no one see's my wall posts. I will never know because Lisa has never wrote back. So I messaged her again. I told her I was glad she didn't unfriend me. I told her I was hoping to hear from her and again I have not. I know Mother. I know she runs her mouth to everyone, not caring if she hurts them or not. I just can't forgive her for betraying me so badly. I just want to go one and be me not P** T***** or M***** the looser. I relate that name with how she treats me, like a looser. I am going to think about it and pray about it but I have to find a way to get the tightness out of my chest now. I won't ever give her a chance to hurt me ever again. I hope you don't think I am crazy, I am just trying to find a way to get rid of my emotional pain and it isn't easy.

Well, just remember I love you. I know your busy and don't expect you to call right away.

Love,
Me

( This is the email I sent to my sister. She is the only family member who even talks to me. I haven't lived in Fla for 30 years. I raised my kids alone up here in the north. I can count on one hand how many times my parents have visited me. It was easier for them to visit me then for me to visit them with raising 3 kids alone. My mother is very, very controlling and abusive. She has turned my entire family against me except for the ones that won't talk to her because they think (she) is nuts. I really have tried to forgive her but she just keeps doing more horrible things to abuse me. I will think long and hard about the name change thing. I am praying about this too. I certainly don't want to cause more pain for myself. I could cry every day but if I do I loose even more strength. I so greatly appreciate the advice and support. Thank you all.

( The L**** is an ex husband I was married to for 2 years when I was very young. He has become very financially succsessful in the last few years. Suddenly she and he are good friends. Look in my profile at my first thread. It will explain.)