I've been reading this thread with much interest and hope.(for you) I'm very similar to you Sannah,I struggle with friendships..... I haven't a single friend IRL. but I also don't feel comfortable with family even... I think you are lucky to at least have that.(though, I know, at least I'm told- how important friendship is and how it can be healing)

I get such anxiety deep inside when I'm around others(even family though)... but for me it's increased the more they get to know me and the more I get to know them. I havn't any trouble at all with strangers, I can visit and feel comfortable until about the 3rd meeting ...
then, this is me inside-- anxiety takes over. (any wonder I've struggled to stay with forums even!)

I feel such expectations .... like: will they measure up to what I want in a friend and will I measure up to what they want .... will they somehow cause me to lose myself and then I won't exist ... will they say one thing TO me but then say another thing when I'm not around(I grew up watching my mother do this to others ALL the time)
As a child, family was no safe haven for me and neither were neighbors or friends... I think I'm "humanphobic" I'm quite messed up.

It sounds like you are working hard at feeling more comfortable around others...... maybe it was the crowd you hung out with when young, they just left you concerned that some people like them could come around you again?? that could leave someone uneasy-- don't you think?

best to you

fins