Lately, things have seemed so much worse. I feel so hopeless like it's not even worth it to try.
I'm cutting every day. Not deeply, but still.
I am pulling back, reaching out, living, dying and hiding all at once and I am so, so confused. I feel like I don't even know what the heck I am doing and why. I can't come to terms with anything. I can't find a solution.
I'm trying to find reasons to live and a way to keep living.
I don't know what I want.
All my plans for my future shattered.
I lost my faith. I miss it so much, but I don't want it, can't get it back. I tried so long and so hard to get it right. I don't want to try anymore. I'm so tired of trying and failing.
I never wanted to be like this. This was most definatly NOT the plan.
I want to give up. But that's so cowardly. That's loosing. I still have a glimmer of hope that I can turn my life around, that I can somehow get through this. But does it, will it ever end?
Where is the beauty in life? The beauty I long to beleive in. I want to live, not just survive.
The hope is fading and so am I.
I wish someone could make me want to live and to try, smack me upside the head and make me do the right thing.
I'm too afriad. I'm just too afriad.