It seems that I am approaching "anger" again in therapy. Anger scares me. I am scared of anger directed at me, and I am scared of the possibility of ME being angry.

Last night, in an e-mail to T, I was writing about my worry that a friend of mine might be angry at me right now (even though all evidence points to her NOT being angry at me ). I realized that maybe my real fear is the fear of ME being angry. And if I get angry, I'll end up being alone. I don't even know why I think that, but I do.

Teacher T (a T I saw last winter for meditation instruction - it ended badly) and I had a little e-mail exchange in December and I realized last night that I am REALLY ANGRY about something she said. I mentioned "csa" in my e-mail to her (I was asking her a question about a body worker) and in her return e-mail, she referred to it as " "csa", as you tagged it". AS I TAGGED IT? What does that mean? That it wasn't abuse? That at the age of 4 an 5 I was involved in a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with an adult man? That I asked for it? That I wanted it? That I was a willing participant? Is it possible to be involved sexually with an adult at the age of 4 and 5 and have it NOT be abuse?

I don't even know what to DO with the anger. I don't want ANY more contact with the teacher T, ever, so I'm not going to say anything to her about it. I know that all of this anger I am feeling isn't all about her...but OMG, what to DO with it, I don't know. The only thing I know to do with angry feelings is to turn them on myself.

At least I'm not mad at T.