I emailed T about it as she knows about this situation at work and her reply is so spot on..

Dear ****

Yes. Your listening is about not feeling able to count on the good regard of others - if you don't listen, she will abandon you. She won't listen to you and keep the connection going that way, so you have to listen to keep it going. Others' warmth towards you always seems conditional. If you are not the 'mother', your mother won't want you. Then it becomes too much, and you fear being engulfed, because (from the perspective of the child trying to be the mother so she can keep her mother's love) it's too difficult, too much to bear, too incomprehensible - and of course you resent it, but also feel trapped in it. Yes, it's good to realise that you don't have to do it any more, and indeed, don't have to listen to anyone you don't want to, boring or not!

Love,
****