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sun_flower · Jan 27, 2010, 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elysium

I can't stop!!!

I have severe PTSD/DID with OCD traits. (I may actually have OCD to a certain degree...just haven't been officially diagnosed)

So....ever since I was a kid I was either biting my nails, picking the skin on my feet, ripping off my toenails, and picking at scabs. A few years ago, I started cutting. I went nuts with this for a bit, but have been able to curtail it to where I can go months without slipping up. BUT....I pick like crazy now!! Since stopping the cutting, I dig and pick and pull and scrape.

Now my T is realizing just how big and issue it is for me...and she's cracking down. She wants to stop it because it's self harming. The more she says we are going to work towards decreasing the behavior....the more my anxiety grows.

I just can't stop!! I sit there telling myself not to pick that....but I don't listen. It's seriously like I can't listen...if I don't do it...then I refocus for a moment until I'm not paying attention anymore and next thing I know I'm picking without thinking.

I guess parts of me don't really want to stop. But at the same time....it feels automatic...like I can't control it. If I can't pick...and I can't cut, and I can't bite, and I can't eat, and I can't burn myself.....what the hell am I supposed to do with all that disgusting energy that makes me feel like I need to hurt myself or I'm gonna explode inside.

This doesn't feel like it can get better. And I'm scared it will and that it won't at the same time....

I'm sorry.

I pick at my skin and scabs, and I pick my toe nails. I WISH so badly that I could stop.