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spiritual_emergency · Jan 28, 2010 at 10:50 AM

elliemay: One specific thing that my mom and I really had to work on was my role in the relationship. My mom expected me to be her therapist, her best friend, and her caregiver (making sure she ate, took her meds etc...). Anything less meant that I didn't love her, causing me tremendous guilt. When I laid it all out for her she said "wow, that's a lot - I'm sorry". I, too, apologized for not being able to be everything she needed.

Excellent points, elliemay. I have a child who's been diagnosed bipolar/schizoaffective and I've also experienced psychosis myself so I've seen this situation from both sides. In terms of my own child, I've wished I could address their every need but I am only one person and sometimes my needs and theirs are in opposition to each other. This is why I say that individuals in crisis and caregivers need to develop their own support teams for themselves. I define a support team as being comprised of all of the following: Professionals; Family & Friends; Peers, and Mentors.

In terms of my own experience of being in crisis, I did find that my own expectations were quite high of my family in terms of expecting their understanding but it's very difficult to understand an experience you haven't had. I later found that peers could often offer my best forms of supportive understanding and acceptance. In turn, this reduced the expectation I had of my family members and eased some of the tension in our relationship.

Imfalling, I would suggest you reach out to peers for some support but also initiate a conversation with your daughter to keep that relationship healthy and constant. Here's an article I found regarding communication among family members that might have some good ideas for you. It's written for families who work together in a family business but the points seem relevant to your situation as well.

Quote:

Here are a few good ideas for enhancing communication in your family:

- Seek understanding, not victory. Too often, we attempt to convince one another we're right. We hope our powers of persuasion will allow us to win our point-get our way. No one listens; no one feels acknowledged; no progress takes place. If you take time to summarize and repeat what you think the other person is saying, you will have to listen more than argue.

- Show interest, not neutrality. By repeating what you think the other person is saying, you're also showing respect. Good eye contact means a lot; looking bored or impatient only adds fuel.

- Don't judge. Accept other people's right to their own feelings and conclusions. Psychologist and author Carl Rogers writes: "The major barrier to mutual interpersonal communication is our very natural tendency to judge, to evaluate, to approve (or disapprove)." Unconditional acceptance of one another is perhaps the most valuable trait of an effective family.

- Avoid labels. Stick to how you feel about what the other person is saying, and use "I" statements, not "you" statements. For example, "I feel sad about this" is far more effective than "How can you be so stupid?"

- Avoid certainty. Conclusive statements-"that will never work!"-shut off discussion. They squelch other people's ideas and often hurt other people's feelings.

- Don't dredge up old disputes. Frequently, we liken a current disagreement to others in the past. Then we must defend an indictment from the past rather than debate the topic now on the table.

- Complain directly. Don't go through a third party hoping to communicate with someone else. The only solution for a problem between two people is for them to address it directly.

Discussing these tips with the whole family can help build a common language for future communication on difficult issues. But technique isn't enough, of course. Communications research tells us two other ingredients are invaluable: good feelings about yourself and others, and shared hopes or goals.

Sometimes a problem cannot be addressed without pain. When attempts to discuss a problem result in unhappy experiences, we find it even more difficult to face the issue constructively later. We become "saturated with bad memories," as family expert David Isaacs, of the University of Navarra in Spain, has said. When that happens, he suggests, just go do something you enjoy together. Let the disagreement come back up later after some "good thoughts" have been deposited into the "memory bank."

Source: Enhancing Family Communication

If discussions in the past have quickly become painful or volatile, it might help to work through some of your emotions with peers or a professional before you attempt to initiate another discussion with your daughter. In the interim, perhaps take a lesson from the article above and switch focus from the subject that is painful (probably to both of you) to one you can both draw mutual enjoyment from. That way, you're still maintaining closeness and contact.