This second guessing of yourself and your motives is really pretty common. I do it myself, sometimes, even though i know it isn't really that helpfull. Most of us have a hard time remembering what or how we really felt during episodes, so it's easy to miss the really important part that motivates us when we are having these problems. You aren't faking it. I promise you. It's real and it's ugly and it's not your fault. Too many of us arein this with you for it to be just your fantasy. I'm glad that it sounds like things are a little better, though. HUUUGGGGS, and give yourself a break.