well since you asked.... not so good. I am in my office today but am yet to start the task I pushed myself in here to do. The strain of Monday spun me into paralysis on Tuesday so it was a washout. Literally washed out in tears. I had to cancel the plans I had made the night before to go to my cousins to alter a dress for her daughter.

Wednesday morning I got a call back from another client to tell me the workshop I was to lead on Friday needed to be cancelled. She was my last hope in terms of immediate work and a little bit of cash flow and so it spun me into insanity. I was able to resist the temptation to self harm and transfer the pain but otherwise I couldn't muster any motivation to do much of anything beyond wash a few dishes and make meals. I had made other plans to do some networking but the crying had made such a mess of my eyes that I couldn't go out in public if I wanted to. I just shut my door and watched movies to try to distract the worry and block out the overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

Back to square one today by first getting out of my hidding place and into my office to get at one of the outstanding tasks I have on my plate. Filing my years of overdue taxes. I have put them off because there are some complications that I don't know how to resolve and besides that I haven't had the extra money to be able to pay them and one year has just piled onto the next and now its 5, no 6 years of back taxes to be filed. Its a mess and I avoid messes until I can't avoid them anymore. I think I am going to need to go and apply for social assistance and I know I will need my taxes to be up to date to even be considered. I can't imagine how I will get myself calm enough to be able to walk in the offices let alone talk to anyone but I don't have anywhere else to turn right now. Even if by some miracle I do get assistance it won't be enough to cover my monthly expenses and so now I am trying to figure out what I can cut out. I have already cut back spending to necessities and now its down to cutting the cable and internet and taking the insurance off my truck but then how will I be able to look for work. Just overwhelmed trying to figure my way out of the hole I am in.

I got in here today because I talked myself into it this morning through writing in my morning pages and doing some relaxation exercises. I had a good breakfast and went for a quiet walk. Meditated at the river and filled myself with affirmations. I do these things hoping it will motivate me and dilute the worry thoughts because what else can one do. Sitting and hiding is useless.

My son has been home all week with a sinus cold and it isn't getting any better. Will take him up to emergency since the doctors office can only offer an appointment later next week. I know they will hassle me at the hospital for bringing him in to emerg for a cold but he has already missed more days than he has attended this year due to this persisting issue returning again and again. I bought him one of those nasal washers and he has been talking echinachia and Vit Cs and sinus drugs to alleviate symptoms and he is eating lots of oranges and chicken soap and he is no better for the effort.

So there's my pitiful update. Wish I could say things progressively got better through the week after some vicories on Monday but it didn't play out that way. I am doing what I can to keep in the game but the string I am hanging on to is wearing thin from the strain.

Time for lunch now while my papers sit untouched beside me. I will need to go and do some relaxation and meditation to prepare for the trip to the hospital and pray I can cope with the strain of dealing with people and all the stuff that goes with that. Try to hear what the doctor says and survive a visit to the pharmacy etc etc.

Life goes on I guess. I appreciate you checking in and I am sorry my update isn't more encouraging. There is always tomorrow I guess. Wishing you well.