I am not even able to pinpoint what brought me to this point,,,I had been to a restaurant, the gym, the library, the church, the coffeehouse,,as I do all day long,,,and it was a sudden feeling of,,,whatever I'm running from has finally caught up with me, left me not feeling anything at all and emotionally paralysed,,left me carving to feel human like I did when I was a child before the bipolar hit,,left me feeling different from the rest of society,,left me hurt and angry at my illness which has no face to aim my anger at,,left me remembering all the bad relations I have been in with men who will not even take me out or be there for me or meet my family or plan anything in advance at all hoildays were not pissible as he does not answer his phone and does not call when we have holiday plans,,obviously not even a relationship in the the most remote sense of the word,,just the thrill of the sex numbing my search to feel something and anything for a moment.......................

I'm tired and lonely,,have no one to be there for me,,feel very bitter and angry,,

I am going to begin partial hospitalization as soon as there is an opening,,which cannot come soon enough,,,I just wish the hospital had let me stay inpatient, it would have made me feel so much better