Me and my T had a good session, I only saw her once this week and once last week. Well today I talked about how sad I have been feeling with a feeling of anxiety with it, since our last "huge EMDR" session. I am not suicidal and would never do something like that especially something that would hurt my kids. But today when I dropped them off at the gym, which is by the river, on my way to therapy, I thought about what if I just drove right off the road and into the river. I sort of snapped out of it by me thinking, what the heck am I thinking about this? Maybe it is because some people have died recently in the last couple of weeks, nobody I was close to, but it reminded me of the people I lost. Maybe it is because I am feeling more deeply than before? During the times I am happy, I feel really happy and content.

Then today my T asked me something about my old T. In our last session I talked more about the stuff he did, like when he showed me a picture of another client he had in his pile of photos and she said, she is pretty isn't she? Then he told me that she had 4 kids under the age of 21. Plus other sexual innuendos and me being the last client before his lunch hour and how a lot of my sessions went 40 minutes over. Not because I was crisis or anything like that- it was just fun chatting, social stuff. (then there is the piles of stuff she knew from before like the flirting at the gym, snapping me with towels, winking, etc. )

Well my T meets with the other T's in her group, and the one T who used to be her supervisor, who is the main T in the group, has known my old T for a long time. Well she wants to bring up the unethical stuff he has done to me with him. (with my permission) My T told me that the stuff I told her really got her worked up and the next day when all the T's came together in a weekly group thing to discuss various things and clients, my T told them what I said the day before. This stuff I just told her wasn't blurring the boundaries, it was outright unethical what he did and this T wants to confront him about this. She hopes he will get some help for this. She isn't interested in what he has to say as excuses (she knows he is defensive especially with his ego and stuff and he might try to make me look crazy or something)

When my T told me this, I got all sort of anxiety thinking about it, my heart just raced. In one way I guess I still feel like protecting him because of that spiritual bond I feel with him, but on the other hand he really hurt me bad and I am still working on the trauma of it all. Maybe I would feel better if someone confronted him on this,(someone of equal power) but I am scared. I don't want him to hate me, but I think this will really make him uncomfortable and a part of me doesn't want to hurt him either. But then a part of me wants him to know what he did was wrong and how his actions really caused a lot of harm to me. I just don't know what to do, maybe that is why I am writing here to get some opinions on this.