Recently I can't stop listening to "Free" by Jann Arden. It's about someone kicking out a lover who wasn't very good for her, but I've found that I can relate to it in terms of my personal journey with depression very well.

I feel like these lines describe my depression very well: "It's like I've faded, just like the curtains in the sun, just like the clouds I've fallen from ... I let you change me, down to the colour of my hair, 'til I can't find me anywhere." I think, for me, depression has essentially been a process of losing myself, and recovery means finding myself again. Being able to define myself again. I used to know who I was, I used to know what I wanted and where I was going, and then the depression came along and wiped all that away.

I still don't know very much about myself. At the start of a new semester a lot of my teachers make us introduce ourselves to each other and tell the class something about ourselves. I always have to struggle to figure out what to say. I have no clear picture of myself in my mind, like looking at myself in a foggy mirror. I look at some of my friends, who are incredibly secure in who they are, who are so sure of themselves, and it makes me sad because I know more about them than I do about myself. I want to be like that, comfortable in my own skin, knowing who I am, but I have no idea where to start.

I'm not sure if the depression erased my sense of self, or if my lack of sense of self was a contributing factor to my depression. What I do know is that the last few years have been 1) becoming depressed, 2) being and recovering from depression, 3) forging ahead. One year for each step. I think that now, I need to start learning how to live again. I've been little more than a zombie for almost three years. I can't remember how to be active, engaged, lively. I can't remember how to even have a life outside the confines of my own head. I can't remember what curiosity feels like, or how to be adventurous. I can't remember what LIVING feels like. It's been such a struggle just to stay alive, I've completely forgotten how to LIVE, and that scares me. It scares me that I could ever forget something so important. And the whole process of learning to live again ... that scares me too. I've gotten so used to settling for being alive, I'm afraid to LIVE, if that makes sense.

I saw Jann Arden in concert the other night. She opened the concert with Free. The chorus goes like this: "So I'm punching out walls and tearing down paper, cutting my bangs, yes sooner than later, I'm selling my soul right back to Jesus, taking up hope and giving up weakness, untangling the strings, I'm free." I remember thinking that here was a woman who clearly knew herself. It isn't just that she has talent and confidence, you can tell from her demeanour that she's just sure of who she IS. I wish I was like that. I wish I knew who I was, and I wish I wasn't so scared to find out.