Stumpy,

I want to let go of his hand so badly, but he is inside of me and I can't get him out. I don't know how, honestly I have tried so hard. I know what you are saying though and I know you are being supportive, I can feel that and I am so glad you posted.

I know you know that strength, that it takes to speak out and I still have that somewhere. Doing that speech, has given me the confidence of talking in front of people and making a difference. I think having this T talk to him (who understand spiritual bonds at least mine) and who is of equal power as him, will help get that message across to him. (even if he doesn't or can't look at himself and his actions objectively) If I do continue with the APA thing, I have to do it within a few months. With the APA non members, you have 3 years from the time of your last appointment to file. Mine would be in July of this year, but you have to start before that date and have enough time for the complaint to be processed.

And that part of what you wrote about him saying, WHAT DID I DO??? That sounds so like him, in fact he has said that same comment to others in his life. He told me of the time in HS when he played basketball and he was really good, but his team was losing their games. He said to some of the other members, it was because of the older members of the team not being able to play basketball. Well it got back to the other players and they confronted him about it. and he told me he said, "what, what did I do?" Then they told him and he sheepishly said, yeah, I did say that. Then they went off to settle it with a fist fight. The guy hit him first in the head (might explain some things) and he hit the other guy in the nose and made it bloody. My old T said he didn't believe in violence, but at least he didn't lose that fight. Sorry that got long, but your comment just reminded me of that conversation and you nailed it on what he would say or think. lol

I am working on this Stumpy and have been. I think that my T is learning more of the whole story of what happened and they are infuriated with him about it. They are now understanding on how I am having trouble letting go of my hurt and anger. I told her 2 sessions ago, that what he did to me hurts worse than anyone, even my mom did to me growing up. It has turned out to be my biggest trauma issue to work on.