I had my session with my T yesterday, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

We talked about school and life for a few minutes, then she asked how I've been coping with my depression, and I mentioned SI as a coping technique, which she is well aware that I do. She got completely silent and looked absolutely shocked. Again, there's nothing shocking about SI in my life...it happens, and she knows it happens.

Everything went downhill from there...We argued a lot about what the other person would say. I tried to explain what SI does for me, but she had a freaking counter for everything I said. I told her about it helping me feel something, and she just said "you can feel, you just won't. You're suppressing everything. You suppress your emotions." I told her that's the farthest thing from the truth. I'm constantly fighting to feel, not suppressing feeling. I don't know why I can't feel...but I do, however, know that I'm not suppressing it. Of course, she refused to accept that. She would only accept what she thought to be true.

We talked some about SI in particular. I said it's not the best coping strategy, I'm well aware, but it serves it's purpose. She looked me in the eye and literally said "no it doesn't." I said, "something about it works...I've been doing it for over 5 years." She raised her eyebrow and said "well, how's that been working out for you?" Her tone was literally scathing and venomous. It felt like she was trying to cut me down... Next she went on and on about how she doesn't think I'm ready to give it up, and how it's worthless to try if I'm not ready. That pissed me off SO bad, because to me, that shows that she's forgotten what I've gone through in the name of trying to get help with SI. I would not have even brought it up at all if I wasn't ready for it. I especially wouldn't have brought it up at 17 years old, when she had to inform my parents about it. I wouldn't have put myself through that if I wasn't ready. I told her I know that it's a problem, and it's not something I'm proud of. Again, if I didn't think it was a problem, I would have never wasted my time talking about it and looking for a solution. I started tearing up as I was saying all of this. I've never teared up in therapy before, so based on that, I'm sure you can imagine how bad I felt. I felt so unheard, and so frustrated for that reason.

Now I feel hesitant to bring up anything with her anymore. I feel like every time I do bring up anything regarding numbness, depression, SI, etc, it'll just reinforce everything in her mind that she said. On the other hand, I know it's counterproductive to NOT discuss what I'm there to work on. So essentially, I feel stuck. I really am trying to work on things. I may be slower than others, but I am trying. I feel like she discounted all of that, and just overlooked it.

I feel like our session left room for progress, but I know that door will close if everything keeps going on like this. I always felt so much that she understood me so well, and that she could understand what's going on. I've NEVER once felt like she didn't get something until now. I hate feeling like this. It's like...what happened? Why this sudden shift? The tension in that office is at an all-time high. She's acting like she's pissed at me, but I can't figure out why. Is she just frustrated that things are moving slowly? What's the deal? I've NEVER felt so misunderstood and so unvalidated. I hate this feeling.

I can not get it out of my mind. My mood has been super low since yesterday. I mean, unable to get out of bed kind of low. I want to call her tonight and leave her a message, hoping she'll call me tomorrow, and I can at least get some peace...either that, or a more candid view of where she's coming from. I don't know...

I feel like she's going to just give up on me. Yesterday, literally every single time she spoke, I thought she was going to say that she's done with me. I was literally shocked when she pulled out her book to schedule our next appointment. I feel like I've made a great deal of progress, and I don't want to lose that. I'm pretty sure that if she gave up on me, I just wouldn't be in therapy anymore. I'd be done. I really don't want that to happen....

I guess right now, anyone who has been through something similar, or anyone who has any words of wisdom would be great. Although, I'm sure a lot of you will agree with my T...It's cool...I'm ready for anything you've got. I just need to figure this out.