Hon, do you have a therapist? Toxic shame is a really bad thing, because it really does beak ties between people. It's not even smething that God wants for you, I can say that much. Not if it is breaking the bridge between you two. Can you put a finger on whatyou are ashamed of? Can you work out why this makes you ashamed? I'm glad you wrote in to us, because that must have been really hard to do. Here, you don't need to carry that burden any longer. But a good Talk doc or a pastor or a free clinic counselor can help you get to the point that you can separate out the toxic shame form the normal sense that all people have. I'm so sorry that you are bing so tortured by this. HUUGGGGSSSS and peace, Choson.
PS, There are a lot of people on te site who are very good at figuring out the economic angle of this. I encourage them to come out and strut thier stuff for you!