I need to vent.

I'm home for the inter-semester break, which is about three weeks long (the system at my school is reeeeeeally stupid where we get 2 weeks off for Christmas, 2 weeks for exams, then another 3 weeks of break). When I told my parents I wanted to come home it was because I was feeling lonely and cut off and thought the time at home would do me some good. I think it has, because spending 3 weeks in the ghost-town that my university becomes over the break is not exactly thrilling. But I'm also restless, just like I always get. I have no control over my life. We live in the country, so I can't walk to the coffee shop or the library, if I want to see friends it requires quite a lot of advance planning in order to coordinate who gets the car because it's a half-hour drive into town, and unless you like running through forests and empty fields, there's just no place to really GO if you need to get some distance from your overbearing family. Not to mention that it's -18 outside right now (and that's without the wind chill!) so taking a long walk is not exactly on the docket. I have headphones on now and I'm trying to block everything out but people keep coming in and motioning for me to take them out so they can talk to me when what I really need right now is to be LEFT ALONE. I miss home when I'm away but at the same time I have absolutely no freedom. I just don't belong to myself.

I am at a point in my life I think a lot of people my age can identify with, which is that I'm 21 years old, an adult, but still incredibly dependent on my parents financially. I don't WANT to depend on them, I just have to right now. If I could move out, get a place of my own in the city, I'd do it in a heartbeat but I can't afford it (plus it's just not practical considering that I'm not even in the country over half the year anyway). The thing is, my parents (mostly my father) think financially dependent = still a child. It doesn't. I'm a grown woman and I can make my own decisions. If I mess up, I will deal with the consequences. I am HUGELY aware of everything that my parents are doing for me. They are paying an exorbitant amount of money for my education, travel between home and school, the roof over my head, etc. Yet for some reason, my dad seems to think that when it comes to money, I'm ungrateful and naive, like I think it grows on trees. This morning I asked him for a check for an amount we agreed to a few weeks ago to cover the cost of my grocery bills for the semester. I don't have a meal plan this year because I saw it as too expensive when I didn't eat all the meals on the plan so my parents were essentially paying for food I never ate. As he was writing the check my dad happened to ask me how much money I actually had in my bank account left over from my summer earnings, and I jokingly said something along the lines of "Oh, hardly anything at all." He EXPLODED. He told me that I'm 21 years old and need to start acting like it and how I can't just waste all my money on my social life. I just stood there and took it, the way I always do, because I can never think of a decent argument while I'm actually having the fight, but this is what I wish I'd said:

1. I would like him to spend some time around my friends, just to see how LITTLE I spend compared to them. I don't go out very often, I don't drink very often, and the only real "luxury" item I get myself is a single coffee, once a day. I haven't bought a single article of clothing since the summer. When I come home, yes, I do spend more money going for lunches or to the movies, because I only actually see my friends here once or twice a year. The rest of the year, my spendings are almost nil. I can't remember the last time my weekly spending even hit three digits. He should be happy I'm NOT acting like I'm 21 years old because the majority of people my age are doing a LOT worse than me financially.

2. I got my first job when I was 15. I worked my way through high school. My brother, in comparison, did not get his first job until this year, which is his last year of high school. By the time I was 17, I was investing the majority of MY earnings, nobody else's, into a government bond. I worked at LEAST 15 hours a week, on top of going to school and spending time in choir rehearsals ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL, and I worked full-time hours over the summer. My brother may work 7 hours a week, and his extra-curriculars basically consist of weight-lifting at the gym a few days a week.

So all I can think is how DARE he accuse me of being naive and ungrateful and unable to handle my money? I know what I'm doing. He said today that he was going to give me extra because he doesn't think that what he's given me is going to cover it, but he's wrong. First of all, I don't WANT his money. If there were ANY way I could get through school on my own, I would, but it's just impossible. I have never made that phone call asking him to wire me money because I'm broke. I have never called to say I'm stranded somewhere because I ran out of cash. I take pride in my ability to handle money and I think I do it pretty well. This is the first year I've had to ask him to write me a check because normally my meal plan went into my residence fee, which gets paid at the start of the year, and is a significantly larger sum. And I HATE asking for that check. I have never, ever been comfortable asking anyone for money, including my parents. Just reminding them that it's time to pay tuition makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and guilty.

In the end, I wound up lying, and I feel terrible, but if I had to give my dad any exact figures on what my bank balance looks like right now, he'd just make me feel worse. I'm getting by just fine, but he'd never believe that I can survive on what I have or that I am, in fact, capable of managing my finances. I'm not going to starve, I'm not going to freeze, I just wouldn't allow myself to get to that point. But I lied and told him I have more money than I do just because I couldn't stand being berated like that and he seems to have calmed down some, but I'm still sitting here waiting for him to bring up money again and get himself all worked up. I wanted to go out with some friends tomorrow night but I'm probably not going to go now because my dad would only get upset and another yelling match would ensue about how I blow "all" my money on my social life (with friends I haven't actually seen in months). The anxiety and guilt triggered by his flipping out this morning has stuck with me all day. I can't shake it, can't get my mind off it, don't feel like I can get myself back in his good graces and am annoyed with myself that I even care. Money is stressful, money is tight, and I get that. But I'm also hurt and offended that he thinks I'm handling all this like some kind of spoiled child. I work hard to get what I have -- HE taught me that, just like he taught me the value of a dollar. I have no idea what I've done to make him think that my attitudes would be otherwise.

I've been in a terrible mood all day. I've been snapping at my siblings, been unable to concentrate, just sitting here feeling miserable and wishing I could be my own person. Sorry this is so long but I felt like if I didn't get some of this out I was going to snap. I feel like I'm now walking on eggshells around my dad and the anxiety is really getting to me. I've tried distracting myself but it isn't happening. As it is I've been on the verge of tears all day and I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, but it's my grandpa's birthday so I have to go over there this evening and put on my happy face and pretend that I don't feel like I'm being smothered.