John,

First of all, welcome to Psych Central.......this is a good place to be to run thoughts, feelings, questions, etc. past a very caring group of people. I know they have helped me a lot. Hope we can do the same for you.

My Mother just died this year of cancer & I think I have also experienced the dreamy feeling you are describing. Just before my Mothers last hospitalization, we had a home care nurse coming to the house & during that time things just seemed to be happening under my nose only I couldn't really put my finger on them except seeing the forged checks, catching her using my Mothers ID to get a credit card, she cut the phone wire to the only phone, having the police called on me to accuse me of abuse to my Mother, & then overdosing my Mother on Morphine to get her out of the house (that was what sent my mother into the hospital the last time). I spent 3 weeks in the folding chair next to my Mothers hospital bed, waking up every time my mother woke up (every 5 to 10 minutes).

I remember waking up feeling like I was in a dream. It was all blured & everything seemed like it was floating around me. I would go over in my mind what had happened with the ID theft the RN did & felt like I was living in an Alfred Hitchcock movie or living in the twilight Zone. It felt so unreal that I was afraid to report what happened to the social worker or the police (which I finally did a couple of days later). The other part of it that was scarry was that it felt all so unreal what was going on around me & I knew my Mother was going to die but her Dr's never once admitted that was going to happen.....which really left me feeling wierd.....why would I be imagining that was going to happen. I remember writing down notes about what had happened & feeling like my brain & hands were coming from separate bodies. I would walk across the hospital floor & it felt like I was floating but my legs were walking & I was watching myself.

A couple of weeks after I had my Mother moved to a nursing home close to where I live, my GP put me into the hospital. I was so exhausted, stressed & scared besides knowing that my Mother wasn't going to be alive much longer. My nausea was so bad I couldn't eat or drink....I knew I had to but I couldn't get me to feed me. I don't remember much during that time....except that my Mother died & that I had to make all the funeral arrangements (I too am an only child) from the hospital while they were treating me for excessive weight loss (anorexia). I do remember leaving the hospital AMA for the funeral & then I was put right back in. I remember waking up the day of the funeral not knowing where I was or what was going on.....My mind said there was something going on with my dogs.....I remember having a sense of panic & complete hysteria at one point only it really wasn't me.....I spoke at the funeral but I wasn't talking even though it was my voice....I was watching it all from away. When I was back in the hospital, I ended up with IV nutrition & don't remember much about that either....I continually had experiences where I would be doing things only it didn't seem like it was me. My arms do things & I watch them doing it. My mouth talks to someone only I am listening to myself. I am walking but I'm floating just above my body.

It kept getting worse & after a really scarry experience, I called my Psychiatrist (pdoc). He told me that those feelings are called depersonalization & that it is a symptom of stress & anxiety.....(I know....a long story to tell you that you are really ok & that what you are experiencing is a normal reaction for what you are going through). It is our minds way of protecting ourselves a lot more complex issues. My pdoc finally realized that it was the trauma & threats I went through with the home care RN besides my Mothers death......Now that I have started getting help to deal with these issues, the strange feelings have become much less. They still happen at times but are much better now. There are many people here who have experienced similar feelings......I'm sure they will be responding to your post soon.

In your case, losing your whole family....your father moving far away....you & your Mother moving to a new place......& I am sure if you look inside, the concept of your Mother having cancer & needing chemo.....not knowing how that may turn out......are all major changes/trauma issues that are seriously effecting your life. I hope it helps you feel some better knowing that there are others of us like you.

It may be helpful to find a psychologist or therapist that could help you through your feelings & give you someone safe to talk these feelings over with. I was glad that I could describe those feelings to my pdoc & find out that it really is a symptom & that I really wasn't going crazy. I remember having had a few feelings like that as a child but it was nothing compared to the months. Professional help can be great but so can just chatting with people who have had similar experiences.

Welcome again,
Debbie