I too have one life long friend and still to this day don't make new friends well, as is apparent in this forum lately. I spent at least a combined whole year between the different mental hospitals and would have been in more if not for the fact that my family let me rot in a 32 foot long fifth wheel where the only time I left was to sneak for food. I ***** and p*ssed in old soda bottles and milk jugs because I didn't want to look other's in the eye or worse hurt THEM. I had taken so much alcohol and over dosed on medication so many times that for a long time I had to force myself to not vomit at the thought of taking it because my body was convinced that pills would kill me. I lived that life for 32 years. I was told I was lazy, self centered (maybe I am but I don't mean to be, quite the contrary), unfocused, disconnected, arrogant, childish. I heard it all and still do. But I refuse to allow it to be the end of me or my happiness. I come here each and every day to try to connect with people who share, but my sincerity is not obvious I guess. I am sorry that I no longer feel that strong pull of the hate that I initially had when told I was bipolar. My experience is no worse then anyone else's and I have never trivialized anyone else. Is it really so bad to feel like I have come to terms with it? That maybe, just maybe someone else will be to to come to terms too? Am I wrong for trying to inject a little hope into this community? I know, to some extent, what a lot of people in this community have gone through. And I know that it never goes away. All of what I have been through has colored my life. I think too often we try to label things as good or bad and make sure that we have more good times then bad, but even sadness is a natural process and can be appreciated, maybe not enjoyed, but appreciated as a part of being a human being. Being overwhelmed by it all is scary and it nearly killed me and I still struggle at times with the fact that the world would be better off not plaguing my loved ones with the burden of watching over me. Being in touch with what one is feeling is a gift. How we deal with those feelings is our responsibility. Does that mean we should be perfect? No because knowing the nature of the beast let's me know I can't be, and my chances are even lower then some. Should I give in and call it quits? No I am more lenient in how I "punish" myself but I know I have to be extra vigilant. As I said in my other post maybe I should take a break. I don't know at this point if I am too unbalanced to make a solid point or if the very nature of our condition makes us unable to connect on a healthy way. To close, no one here or elsewhere will convince me that I am cursed, condemned or that my life is a shambled tattered and hollow existence and I don't expect you to be where I am at. I did however think that this was a place to share both our strength and ask for help when we are weak. I admit I fall under both.