Quote:
Originally Posted by zooropa
((tree)) and ((mue)) I don't know what it's like for you guys, having a T that cares and is committed to being there with you throughout the process, but for me it's so hard to trust that. Every time she says something like that, I trust her a little more. And every time she picks up the phone when I call, or returns my call, or is just there in her office waiting for me, week after week, I trust a little more.
It IS scary, MUE. I've never had that in my life. But it is wonderful, too. I can see how just that part of therapy, just the relationship itself, can be such an important part of the healing. I keep expecting my T to treat me the way my mother would have and every time she doesn't do that, another part of me realizes that I never deserved to be treated like that in the first place.
And when T can still look at me and talk to me and treat me the same, even knowing about my trauma, even knowing details that nobody else has ever known, it takes away some of the shame and lightens that load just a little bit more.
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Oh it is INCREDIBLY hard for me to trust....even T. Even when he says things that help me feel cared for, I still find a way to discount it - and feel as though I'm just yet another client who just keeps his bills paid and couldn't care less about me except for the 45 minutes he's paid to do so.
And I can totally relate to T looking at me and talking to me, knowing about some of the traumas. I don't think I've shared enough to feel relief from the shame, embarrassment, disgust - and then there's that dang voice inside me again saying things like, "wow, he's really good at hiding his disgust of me"...or, "he's a T, he's used to this kind of stuff. But people IRL would react differently and would think ill of me if they knew"....
