((((Kindergirl)))) I am sorry about your mother. I know how hard this situation is. I had the same experience as you did with a dying mother (I was younger at the time though) and a good therapist to help me through it.

Now, decades later, I can tell you that the best thing I did was say to my mother the things I would have said to her if I had even liked her. I said them even though I didnt mean them and to this day I dont regret anything I didnt say. I do have some regets about the way I felt, but that was where I was at at that time.

You do feel this way about her and it is important not to invalidate that, yet her death will be somehting you will live with for the rest of YOUR life. I so know what it is like to go to the bedside of a mother you have these feelings about. Yet, if my T at the time didnt feed me lines to say to her, I dont know what I would have done. I told her I'd be aright, I'd pull my life together, someday I will get married and have children, I told her I loved her. All this stuff that I wondered if I meant or even felt. I did it because it was the right thing to do and I did it knowing I would regret it if I didnt say those things. I am so glad I did.

It is hard, please post and let me (all of us) know how you are doing. Hugs and strength to you.