Sara, you don't have to carry the guilt. First of all you are on the right path. The very fact you are here is a huge step in the right direction. Not because any of us can fix you but you are probing. You are asking yourself the why and whats and without that there is no change. Most importantly shame and regret and self loathing are your worst enemies. I have learned not to be too hard on myself because if I am I become fatalistic. I start to think "No point in trying eff it I give up." and do things I shouldn't. Be patient with yourself. It's early on in the process. It is a constant struggle and always will be. Allow yourself to fall down and rest and then regroup. I won't say "Two steps forward one step back." because it's more like 112 steps forward and 231 steps back and then 13 steps forward and 89 back. Bipolar disorder is learning to keep your balance while doing that waltz on a high wire at times. Your gonna fall down.

Once I learned to forgive myself then I could start to move the next step with more confidence and that is accountability. We have to be able to say sorry and accept that we may have hurt someone else or done something we regret in hind sight (remember I said we are going to make mistakes). Saying sorry let's those we care about know that it's not personal but an inappropriate response to internal conflict. If I don't apologize then they don't know I couldn't help it and they will just think that I'm just mean spirited.

I hope I can o0ffer you what has worked for me.