I want to first thank you all for your words of encouragement, support and friendship. It really means a lot to me. To Psyched and Bill, the what happened after aspect of my life has been a rocky one. I've always tried to live everyday as positively as I can. It's been rough though. After I was placed in the foster home I had to start what like to call the "process". I was placed with a counselor through Catholic Family Charities. The funny part of this I will explain.

The abuse I suffered from my father spanned my whole childhood. I confided in a girl I thought I could trust at age 8 (she was 14 and babysat me) and later in my teens I ran into her. She made a mockery out of my abuse and was very cruel and mean. (She actually called me a father f*cker). My brother then became curious and wanted to know what she was talking about. (He was two years younger than me, was verbally and physically abuse by our father). I didn't know how to explain it to him, it was tramatic enough for me. I eventually explain that he was touching me in ways that were innapropriate. He then told his close friend Brian, (I believe he had a hard time with this and needed the support of his friend) and then Brian told his mom. She reported it anonymously to Social Services and before I knew it I was being called to the Prinicipal's office. My father, being the intimidating man he was, created fears in me. I was afraid of men, authority figures, getting into trouble (he also used to beat me with wiffle ball bats, paddle ball paddles, belt....leaving me bruised and with swollen welts). I was confronted about my home life by two women. Sandy and (I can't remember the other ladies name) began prodding me with questions about things at home. I knew what they were wanting me to say, but I was afraid. Afraid of the repercussions of my father, afraid of upsetting my mother, and afraid of being taken away from my brother. (Sorry if I am rambling again, it just feels good to be able to put some of it down in words.) Well the point to this is that when I was placed in the foster home at 17 and started counseling, I ran into Sandy again. What are the odds of that happening. She helped me a lot. She had me join a support group and I had sessions with her through Catholic Charities. The one thing that helped is that I had blamed myself for my abuse. I felt like I caused it and I felt like I was all alone. As far as therapy or counseling, I need to find someone for that. I have some reservations about it. I know I need to get past the anxiety so I can move on though. I have been in therapy and counseling twice in my life. The first time I had a therapist named Jan who I absolutely loved. She was the nicest woman I ever met. But four months after I began therapy, she was leaving the clinic to work in another one. I was devastated.....what was I going to do? She referred me to another woman in the office. I went to see her twice and stopped therapy. It was so difficult for me, I once again felt abandoned. I didn't feel like having to go through the process of explaining once again about my abuse. I guess I just delved into myself. Pushing all the pain, memories and feelings down within myself. I tried again about four years later to get through the whole process again and have two sessions with my "new" therapist for her to be transfered to another clinic in another state. SO, you can see my frustration, if anyone could make a suggestion as far as should I do counseling, therapy or see a psychologist it will be appreciated. Thank you all for letting me feel free to ramble on here, it is beneficial to me to have this freedom. I just hope that here is my beginning to a long process of healing and making great friends along the way. There will be more to my story, I have only just begun.