I ran into "him" again at the gym. I don't even know why I try to go during a time when I think he won't be there, it doesn't work because he can still show up. There was a basketball game ready to start and so I didn't see his car because of all the other cars. If I did, I wouldn't of went in.

Well the plan is this other seasoned T who works with my T wants to confront him about his actions with me, but not discuss me, but to focus on HIM. Like an intervention for him to get some help if he hasn't. I still have to give my okay for allowing her to do this, she won't do it until I say it is okay.

In the meantime I am going to do what is best for me. In emails with my T yesterday, she agreed about what I want to do. I am going to be writing a letter to him, telling him my mixed feelings about what happened in therapy with him in detail. My T and me can work on those emotions that come up in doing this.

I want him to know how he hurt me by his actions, some unethical, some probably unintentional. I want it to come from me. He wouldn't talk about this stuff in therapy with him, well that frustrated me so much, I don't want to be silenced anymore. I want him to know on how is excessive disclosure hurt me and how his flirting and seduction really confused me.

He talked more about himself than I did about me. It wasn't even a problem for me to talk, I did so freely. It was like I started to talk about me, it became a starting ground for him to take over and talk about him. Everything I did, he injected himself into it, so now when I do these things they remind me too much of him. It was like there was no "me" anymore.

I didn't need to know about his testicular problems in the past or when he was going in for his colonoscopy. (twice) I didn't need to know about what his wife did or did not do in bed. I didn't need to see his family's pictures, his old girlfriend pictures, history of his office building. I didn't need to see a picture of his client who had 4 babies before 21yrs. old and ask me, "Isn't she pretty?" I didn't need to know his "famous clients from his internship where Martha Stewart went to jail. This stuff had NOTHING to do with my therapy. I didn't need to see his magic tricks or to see how much of a genius he was because he could solve the Rubik cube. None of this stuff had anything to do with me. I didn't need my sessions to run over 40 minutes, not because I was in distress, but because we were just chatting. I didn't need him winking at me at the gym, snapping towels at me and his grandiose hellos. Some of this stuff felt good at the time, but I was never in therapy before, I didn't know what he was doing was wrong. I didn't know that something that felt good, would hurt me so deeply later.

At first it was comforting and exciting to have so much in common with him and it was awesome to talk to him about our common interests. But when things got out of control, it deeply hurt me because what used to feel good, felt really bad now.

It is hard because I have mixed feelings. I loved talking with him about the common stuff and for that I still miss that and him. But then there is the hurt he caused me. I went into a deep depression, gained 40lbs and wasn't the mother to my kids that I normally was, I dropped out of college because I was too depressed to get out of bed. I couldn't play the trumpet anymore, I stopped exercising in part because of depression and in part I didn't want to run into him at the gym, but yet I still missed not seeing him.

With my T, I am trying to just let myself feel. Mixed emotions are hard and rather crazy making. It is hard to let myself feel good about the good stuff we did, even though it hurt me in the end.

Therapy is hard enough, but what I didn't need is a T who couldn't keep his feelings in control.