Lately, it's become difficult to control my impulsive behavior. Truthfully, it's always been difficult, but it's getting worse. I don't want to be like my father, which is what has been keeping me from being completely evil. But that passionate hatred for the man has been fading ever since his death. And my reasons for being (or trying to be) a nicer human being has been fading along with it.

First of all... My father was a well respected family practitioner, a church goer, supported the community, and a family man. His reputation was his everything. The "family" part was necessary to maintain his image. And he made sure his family was perfect by tormenting and abusing them into utter submission, which turned my mother and sisters into depressed, neurotic people. But it had no psychological effect on me other than hating the man. I saw him as an opponent rather than a father, and we constantly played the control game. He took everything away from me and gave me no privileges, and I did everything I could to ruin his reputation and turn his family against him. Eventually he realized that he wasn't going to win against me, convinced the whole town I was either demonically possessed or insane, then had me admitted into a psych ward when I was 14 after the exorcism failed.

The last time I ever spoke to him was when my first wife died in the same car accident that left me crippled. He came to the hospital to rub it in my face. He told me that this was God's way of punishing me for all the trouble I gave him, and that I didn't deserve Alice. ...And that was the only time I ever punched an old man...

Now, my rather unfortunate childhood didn't make me any less of a psychopath. I was born as such, and I'm never going to change. However, I did see my father in some of my behavior. Not the petty criminal stuff, but the controlling, abusive behavior. I didn't like that, and it made me realize that I don't want to be that. And, having a wonderful, happy family, and a wife that actually loves me despite what I am is my way of telling him to shove it. I am everything he wishes he was. But now he's pushing up daisies. My aunt made sure of that. (She also made sure she was on his will before she tampered with his heart meds). And all of this now seems in vain.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life and family and I don't want to lose it/them. But I don't see "love" the way normals do. It's not altruistic. As long as the family is giving me what I want, I don't care in the slightest for their well being. And I know you (whoever is reading this) are going to say that it's horrible and mean, and that I'm heartless, which I am. But I can't think any other way. Trust me, I've tried.

Despite this, I still try to make my family work, and not by abusing them. I can honestly say I have never laid a hand on my wife or kids out of anger. And that's saying a lot for me. It helps that I'm not particularly sadistic, and I don't want to be like every other psychopath in existence. But I am very manipulative. Not intentionally or consciously. My wife is very resilient to it though, and she knows how to counter it.

Right now, with the new baby, my other two kids, and my mother-in-law being a witch, tension is a little high. Not to mention my therapist is on vacation, and Nikki can't deal with my crap while she's taking care of the baby, which I understand and I'm not complaining. But thanks to my wonderful "illness" (for lack of a better word), I can't see that it's going to pass, and that things are going to get better. My cold, calculating, rational, inner psychopath is screaming, "GET THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW!", and it's taking every ounce of my energy to ignore it. I know that it will be better for me in the long run to stay with my family and keep them happy, but I can't truly understand it.

I kind of feel like I've just been rambling a lot, so sorry for that...

Basically, I'm just really on edge right not, like anything will set me off. And I'm trying to hold it together because I don't want to hurt my family. So if anyone has any advice or techniques to relieve the stress until the situation dies down a little, that would be super.