i don't know if i'm depressed. it seems like a weird thing to say.. like i should know or not.

i am absolutely miserable, but i just put a long post in the bipolar section and it just surrounds the guy i love acting out. when i'm with him i'm not miserable, so i don't know if i can consider my misery depression when i'm only upset because he's gone.

i tried to SU when he snapped the last time... and i had been cutting to stop the panic attacks. they got so bad it hurt when my heart beats. the ER gave me ativan, but no refills. the ativan worked so well... then they gave me hydroxyzine because they figured it would help the insomnia too but it didn't do anything. i never sleep. the only time i ever slept through the night was when i was with him.

then they last tried seroquel because they wanted to control the anxiety and the insomnia in one pill... and they started me at 100mg and she said to increase it. i got up to 400mg before i ran out and i still didn't feel a thing.

i don't know what to tell the doctors anymore... so i just stopped going.