First, I don't want you to feel alone. I'm 22 (23 in a week) and I only lost my virginity a few months ago. My sister is 26 and is still a virgin. My best friend here at school is 21 and also still a virgin. You are not alone in the whole virginity business. It doesn't make you weird, or anything. And while I was still a virgin, I had many people tell me "wow, that's awesome that you're still a virgin! Way to go!" Say it with confidence, don't let anyone bring you down, and be proud of the decision you have made. Oh, and you can never wait too long. You wait until you feel that it is the right time for you.

Also, I completely understand how being touched and in the moment makes you feel alive, like a person, like someone is noticing your existence on earth. It's completely understandable, and I think I feel the same way. I also understand just wanting to get it over with, not make such a big deal, etc. I'm sorry I don't have any advice on your fears of it turning into a coping mechanism, I wish I did. Perhaps, that is your mind's way of telling you you're not ready to just lose it to anyone -- but instead, keep up with your decision on waiting until you find the right person/right time.

I mostly just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Don't be so hard on yourself for making a decision that felt right to you.

Best wishes,
Ro