I have avoidant personality and generalized anxiety and a lot of other things. My self-esteem has always been low, but lately I've been seeing a T and making some progress on my own as well. I've taken up some new projects and forced myself to interact with people, both work-wise and socially, and am stretching myself in all kinds of ways.

So, being out there more, naturally I'm exposing myself to more risks. And the other night something happened that really got me down. A friend from work invited my husband and I to a comedy club. The two comics we saw were both great. As we were leaving, I saw that one of them was standing near the wall, waiting to greet people who felt like saying hi. At first I didn't want to talk to him, but I worked up some courage and we walked over and had a chat. We bought one of his cds, and he signed it in a funny way and it was all good.

Then I noticed that lurking behind him was the other comic we'd seen. He'd been hilarious, too, and I said hi and asked if he was selling any cds. He stared at me and said no. I said, "What about those tee shirts?" He'd used them as as a prop in one of his bits. "That was a joke," he said. I still wasn't getting it, I guess, and I was a little lit, so I kept trying to draw him out. "They were beautiful," I said, and gave him a big smile. He just looked at me like I was the biggest piece of drek on a stick he'd ever seen. We finally left, and it took a while to sink in that the guy had just been incredibly rude.

It was a minor event -- I mean I didn't need anything from that guy, don't work with him, he's not related to me, I don't need his approval, etc. etc. But I just couldn't shake how awful that interchange made me feel. Even remembering how sweet and gracious the first comic had been didn't jog me out of my funk. Actually I'm still bummed about it today, and this happened Friday night...

I guess my question (if there is one in all of this) is -- why am I so affected by people who don't matter to me? My husband loves me, my mother-in-law thinks I'm the best thing ever, they love me at work. Why doesn't this stuff weigh heavier in the balance?

For me self-esteem has always seemed like it's not really about external validation. Good things can happen to me, and I can look at certain of my accomplishments, and it's like they don't matter. I feel like crap most of the time. And there are times when I feel good, even in the midst of failure. Self-esteem always feels like something apart -- I missed out on it early on, so it's just not really available, no matter how much approval I can garner. And fresh rejections continue to sting...