So I'm 17, I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder), as well as Reactive Attachment Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, severe anxiety and severe depression (to name a few). From ages 7-9 (approximately, since I suppressed it), I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by my brother and his friends. As far as I can tell, he is a bipolar sociopath (if that's possible); he even bragged to my male cousin (who I'm really close to) about the abuse. He's been in trouble with the cops and was kicked out of our home for a while, but is now back for an undetermined period of time.

I was also sexually abused at 14 and raped at 15. The second of these assaults resulted in a pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage after 6-8 weeks.

In addition to this, my mother is emotionally abusive. I have PTSD (I'm not sure which it's from, or all).

For a while, when I drank roughly half a bottle a day and smoked marijuana and popped painkillers regularly, I was fairly promiscuous. Then I got to a point where I avoided all sexual contact for over a year. When I started dating my last ex, he pressured me into sexual activity, but we were never able to go all the way. He never outright forced me, but he had a very high libido. Often I just went along with it to make him happy. I have never had an orgasm. There were a few times (which I can count on one hand) that I could "ground" (per se) enough to let go and actually enjoy it without dissociating. Most of the time I just got freaked out and had to stop, and often had panic attacks.

I'm at a point in my life where everyone around me is having sex, and while that doesn't make me want it, hormones do. I want to be able to have a relationship with a man without sex (or lack thereof) breaking us up. I want to be able to enjoy it like other people do. What happens if I want kids someday? I can't even get through a pelvic exam without hyperventilating! What do I do?

I should mention that I'm seeing a PTSD therapist, but have barely been able to talk about any of this, other than to touch briefly on the abuse and the rapes. I'm terrified of even TALKING about it; how crazy is that?

PS: On the one occasion that I was able to have consensual sex, it hurt horribly! I was not a virgin at the time, and though he was a bit large (down there), I don't think that was the reason. I've heard of past trauma and anxiety making sex painful; how do I know if that's what's happening to me?

Thanks for reading, I really don't even expect anyone to reply. I just needed to...get this out. I keep everything sexual buried and repressed...so it's huge for me to even write this. I'm horribly embarassed even about what I've stated in this post, and trust me, I've heard worse!