I am a gay male and have met men your age that were even married but hence I did not meet them in person. It sounds like with all that confusion over the years the discrete behavior is required because society has unwritten restrictions to gay people no matter what. I would highly recommend giving back to your discrete gay encounters with some talk, some mention of who you are so you can have a committed gay friend. They are easy to find, and it doesn't hurt. And of course I endorse therapists, I love mine, but not with any attraction. He had to pry the fact I was gay out of me, and the stories of relationships I have had with men are a whole nother story that hasn't come out of me yet as I just met the therapist recently. It helps a great deal. Make friends is all I am saying and then it won't feel so strange.