((((((( Googley! )))))))

I think you have been struggling for a long time, yes? As strong and persistent as your feelings are, they have not prevented you from making progress. That is a testimony both to your own strength and to the feelings' lack of substance.

Yes, you do feel awful. The awful runs deep and may follow you no matter where you go, or whom you see, or what you do. Your many friends here would love to be able to reach into your soul and remove the awful. Unfortunately, we can't even accomplish that on ourselves. Perhaps the best we can do is affirm you, assuring you your struggle touches us, that you are not alone.