It seems your fetish is controlling you. You say you are embarrassed, but are a bit of an exhibitionist. You seem intent on keeping the fetish in some form.

Is a relationship important to you too? If so, do you intend to be open or covert about your fetish? Is your fetish such a part of you that you would forgo having someone to share your life with? Of course, I realize you may find someone who is understanding so you may have both.

I am not being judgmental. Life often is about trade-offs. What are your willing to trade-off to keep enjoying your fetish?