I have been beaten down for so many years, from my earliest childhood memories to my last job, I don't know if I can find any thing that I like about my self - Im weak, I let people belittle me at work until the poing I had a mental break down and now can't even leave my home. I'm afraid of people, I don't know what to say to them, I'm afraid I will say something wrong... I've been told that I'm a warm, loving, giving, person - if so, than why the beat down from my manager and two of my coworkers?! I am now jobless and trying to get SSD.
Once upon a time I did manage to have some self esteem - I was an EMT and Firefighter for over 21 years. Until we lost a little 5 yr old who was hit by a car.... I never got over that - they said we did all we could, that there was nothing we could have done - there was too much head trauma. But it's always in the back of my mind...what if I would have done this... what if.... what if!!! I know it doesn't bring her back... But after 15 years it's still with me. That on top the of abuse I received growing up, having my mother tell me constantly how much she hated me and wished I would have died when I was a baby... then the on goings at my last job.... I never hurt anyone!! I did not deserve any of the ongoing treatment that I was getting and HR just turned the other way after telling them all to lay off me. Little did that do....
So where do I start to find Self Esteem.... I think I'm dean inside and don't know what to do... I feel totally lost in the self esteem department.