This is my first post, so if I do anything wrong, please correct me.
Yes this post is extroadinarily long, I'm sorry.

I am a 25 year old female, I suffered physical abuse at the hands of my biological father when I was a small baby, as did my mother and my brother. My mother left him when I was nine months old. She married my stepfather when I was two and he has raised me since. I was always told the story that my biological father was a troubled man with a violent history, but never informed on any details. When I was a teenager I found out that he had been arrested for mansalughter after he bashed a man to death. This was a hard time, but I moved on. Two years ago I began to suffer panic and sleep disorders, fits of anger followed by self harm. I couldn't find any rational explantation for these events, they seemed to be un triggered. I went to see a psychiatrist who said I have control issues caused by trauma and that traumatic events around me as a baby while my brain was still developing means I cannot deal with stress the way a functioning adult should. Whatever. I'm a tough girl. I moved on, I got over it.

Yesterday I finally decided to get my own answers about my biological father, I googled him and managed to find his court records online. I discovered that he was in fact a convicted murderer and rapist, my mother met him in prison, she was a teacher and fell in love with him.

I was concieved while he was still serving a sentence for raping and murdering a young girl and burying her body in the bush. I am spinning out, my world is splitting at the seams. I have never felt so vulnerable, exposed and defeated. I don't know, how I should feel. I don't know who i can talk to, no one seems to understand. I feel guilty, like I am assosciated to this crime somehow, although logically I know I'm not, I feel pathetic for feeling this much about something I can't change. I feel like I need to suck it up and get over this before I become a burden to those around me. I feel like if I have children now I may be passing on defective genes. I feel angry that my mother kept this from me. I am lost. I need control.